Blog Post

What 6 years of Singleness Taught Me About Relationships

It’s my belief that a romantic relationship can’t work unless both people have done some semblance of self-discovery work. We may be able to temporarily fill each other’s physical holes 😊 but the real hole that requires attention, is the distance from our own spirit. Many of us are unaware that there is a distance, relationships help us to remember that connection makes us better/whole. People are mirrors, and pure reflections of our beauty and flaws.

Relationships help us to see who we are, but they should not define who we are. I’ve seen so many people clinging to relationships because they haven’t discovered who they are. Intimacy is often mistaken for completion. When the honeymoon phase ends, they’re left devastated because those important holes 🧐are still empty. I’ve played both roles the hole filler and the person with filled holes.

What’s the point of this plugging holes discussion?

As we navigate our lives, the power to know who you are becomes pressing. Life forcefully nudges you to remember this task. It’s your priority while you’re here, but often we lose focus of it. In the business of surviving (not living) we lose sight of many important things. The secret is, we create and attract experiences based on the knowledge we have of ourselves. How we feel about ourselves becomes the vibration we eminate. 

There’s a catch, some of us are emanating from a space of trauma instead of love. We attract trauma because it’s familiar. It’s the inheritance we’ve learned from our moms and dads. It becomes our default vibration. Have you ever noticed how easily we accepted bad things “one thing after another” yet, good things are often questioned and harder to accept? 🤔 That’s due to conditioning, you resist what is unfamiliar and accept what comes naturally.

The only way to disrupt trauma’s magnetic pull, is to challenge what you were taught by asking the question: WHO AM I. Ask it relentlessly and I promise your spirit will answer!

WARNING ⚠️!!

The answer might require an entire life shift and it may be painful. When you bury your inner voice beneath decades of trauma and baggage, naturally some shit has to be shifted so it can free itself and speak clearly. The realization that the baggage was self-sabotage and unchecked, can be devastating. It’s like moving into a new house (body) but the basement is full of stuff from the previous owners and you have to pay a storage fee for stuff that doesn’t belong to you. 😞 That’s what inherited trauma does, it forces you to pay for things that bring zero benefit. It takes up valuable space and forces you to unnecessarily adjust your life.

How many of us have built our lives based on other people’s perceptions of “success” without checking in with our spirit first? 🙋🏾‍♀️ (MEEEEE). Have you ever sat down to define what success looks like for you? Do you know what a healthy relationship looks like for you? These are questions that need to be asked.

Are you living your life on your terms or are you plagiarizing someone else’s’ version of success because they look happy in their life? You know the old: chase the money not the passion, settle down and start a family before you’re over 30, settle for this person because y’all been together for so long, name brands are better than no frills, don’t seek help just pray about it…etc.

The point of this post, is to inspire you to ask the questions your spirit was designed and yearns to answer. Many of us are leaving our potential locked in boxes in the basement of our souls because we’ve been conditioned to seek validation instead of inner knowledge.

———-

MY DATING LIFE:

I’ve been a single woman for many years, so relationship advice may seem like a wild topic for me to discuss. I will tell you this, in my years of being single I have felt more love than in any past romantic relationship! Hold up girl, I’m not telling you to be single (if you are in a relationship that works for you). This is not a, “we don’t need nobody but ourselves” post. This is guidance that has helped me to heal and create the loving relationship that is meant for me. This is a different perspective on relationships opposed to the “being single is sad and miserable” popular narrative. This is what singleness taught me. Ok!?

Like I said, I’ve experienced the most profound love being single versus in any of my PAST relationships. Here’s why: in the process of self-discovery I have dated lots of men and many times I’ve had to walk away because: those men did not align with my core values, we weren’t a good fit beyond physical attraction, I had to choose between them and my passion, or we didn’t want the same things.  These were the key separating factors.

I’m also a huge believer in common-denominators, which basically says the commonality in any situation is the issue—> 🙋🏾‍♀️. Meaning I am accountable for my dating experience it’s not solely on the men.

In the process of learning who I am, I have attracted my trauma in more packages than you can imagine (God is creative with the packaging😂). They looked different but at the core they were the same: 1) emotionally unavailable, 2) noncommittal, 3) disconnected from the source, and 4) lacked vision for their lives. AND DO YOU KNOW TF WHAT? They were mirroring exactly WHO I WAS. You attract who you are 🙃. Some of them were just crazy 🤡 but several were a vibrational match to my trauma.

I had to gain the courage to see my flaws first, before I could clearly see what my trauma was attracting 🤯. It was only then; with knowledge of what my baggage looked like, that I was able to say “hey he’s carrying the same knock-off Louis Buitton luggage from Canal street that I’ve got” 😂.

With that knowledge came POWER, the POWER to choose. I could choose a different experience because I knew traveling with the fake LV luggage, we would load all our baggage on the Greyhound and ride to a familiar destination. However, if I sat the bags down maybe, I would have better options, more freedom. My spirit told me I deserved a real shot at love!

The trauma I’d learned as a survival technique, was not meant to be a long-term strategy for my heart. It was actually leaving me stranded in love at the Greyhound terminal and honestly in 2019 who still takes the Greyhound as a first choice!?

The solution: Be what you seek.

Life brought me opportunities to commit, explore my emotions and be vulnerable in ways I would have shut down in the past, and I was forced to go straight to God. Life challenges seemed bigger than me and I needed backup in major ways.

I began trusting my family and friends, admitting when I was not ok, asking for help and allowing myself to receive it, planning for my future, and making space in my heart.

Like I told you, when you ask WHO AM I, some shit gets shifted around and tearing down old walls is painful. The predictability of familiar pain is oddly comforting. The unknown is terrifying.

Let me talk directly to you for a minute.

“You are self-made woman who has surpassed every expectation that others have placed on your life. You have put the needs of your family and friends before your own, believing that one day it would be your turn. You’re not afraid to walk away from relationships that aren’t going anywhere but the process to detach is very hard on you. You feel deeply. Your love is limitless. You’ve also forgotten that you deserve love in equal measure. Your role as Super Hero has forced you to ignore your romantic life and you’ve trained yourself to be dispassionate about it. That mantra you use of, “it’ll happen when it’s supposed to” is crippling you from being intentional and taking risks to make it happen. You are powerful in every other area of your life, but when it comes to love you’re timid. Gifted one, use your power! Speak up for yourself in love, being an advocate for you own heart is the ultimate act of love! It’s the path to profound love. I’m not playing with you, you deserve it!”

How does this post end?

With me encouraging you to give your heart a real chance at love! Ask the question that needs to be asked of your spirit.  The process will break your walls down and you will become love! That’s exactly what happened for me, I’m no longer a match for my old trauma. I can recognize it from a mile away and I don’t need to invite it in my life to verify it. I trust myself to make the right decisions in love! I am enjoying the process of manifesting my love. Life is flirting with me all the time and it’s really nice.

Ultimately 6 years of being single has taught me, you have to be love in order to attract it. This is me sharing with you something that took me years to find out, but was worth every second! Remember you will attract what you are 😉😘

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.